Meditation Isn’t Always Peaceful – Here’s Proof

🧘‍♂️ Day 5 – “What the Hell Is It?”

Today… I don’t even know how to put it into words. But if I had to give it a name, I’d call it “What the hell is it?”
Because that’s exactly what it felt like. Confusing. Frustrating. Heavy. A complete inner mess.

Let me take you from the top.
Like most days recently, I woke up late again 🛌—and I already knew what that meant: my meditation would be delayed. Not a big deal… at least, that’s what I told myself. After all, I’ve done this before.
I shook off my sleepiness, took a deep breath, and got ready to meditate.
But the moment I sat down... the war began. 💥

At first, it seemed normal. Random thoughts floating around—just like every other day.
But as the minutes passed, something inside me began to slip.
It was like I lost my ability to sit in silence.
Imagine losing a limb and trying to function without it—that’s how it felt. 🧠💔
I tried restarting. Again. And again.
But every attempt felt like I was sinking deeper into quicksand.

For the last few days, I was doing so well.
I actually enjoyed the silence. I found peace in the stillness.
But today?
Today, it felt like I was stuck in a cage with my own mind screaming at me.

I thought maybe it was the environment, so I changed locations. 🪑➡️🛋️
Still… nothing worked.

I couldn’t meditate.
And that broke something in me.

I’m usually a pretty calm person, but today, the frustration built up like a volcano. 🌋
I was angry.
Not at someone else… but at myself.
At my inability to control my mind.
At my failure to just sit down and “do nothing” like I had done before.
Isn’t it crazy? This whole thing—this simple challenge—isn’t about doing.
It’s about being.
And even that felt impossible today.

Still, I didn’t quit.
Even with zero motivation, with breakdowns and interruptions every 10 minutes, I kept returning.
Each session was broken, fragmented, weak. But I did it.
Not meditation in the usual sense.
It was more like surviving the storm ⛈️ than riding the wave. 🌊

This wasn’t a peaceful morning routine.
It was a test of mental endurance.
Like a bad Monday on repeat.

And this day taught me something I didn’t expect:
💡 That silence isn’t always peaceful. Sometimes silence is a battlefield.
And meditation isn’t just sitting quietly—sometimes it’s wrestling with your demons while trying not to scream.

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I don’t know what triggered this breakdown today.
Maybe it’s just a bad day.
Or maybe this is part of the process.
But it made me realize why, in ancient times, people would prepare for meditation with rituals, with sacrifices, with the act of letting go of earthly burdens.
Because when your heart is heavy, your mind loud, and your soul unsure—how can you sit in peace?

I’m young. I worry about the future.
I carry the past.
And sometimes I forget to live in the present.
But this challenge is showing me that to truly grow, I need to free myself.
Not just sit still… but be still. Internally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

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So yes—today, I failed.
But I failed honestly.
I showed up. I fought. I survived.
And that means something.

Today I met:

• 😡 Anger

• 😤 Frustration

• 😞 Sadness

But I also met:

• 🧠 Awareness

• ❤️ Honesty

• 🔥 Inner fire

And even though this day nearly broke me…
I’m not quitting.
This journey isn’t about perfection.
It’s about persistence.

That’s all for today. I’m letting it go.
Not going to let overthinking ruin the rest of it.
Tomorrow is a new day. 🌅
I’ll be there. I’ll try again.

Until then,
Signing off. ✍️💭